I actually thought about calling this, “You might be a deer hunter if,” but I decided Jeff Foxworthy already pretty much wore out that scenario. Someone who doesn’t participate in the sport of white-tailed deer hunting has no idea how many things can (and do) go wrong with great and increasing regularity.
It doesn’t seem that complicated! I think rising from a nice warm bed at 4 a m. to sit in a tree addles your mind or something. A “normal,” levelheaded, decent, hardworking redneck hunter will do some of the stupidest things in the wee hours of the morning — some of which he doesn’t know about until later in the day when he suffers the consequences of “stupid.”
I’m sure you guys and gals can think of many more than I will show below, but you get the idea. Hey, I’ll tell you what, e-mail me some of your “stupid attacks” and maybe I can add them to the next list. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org, show “stupid attack” in the subject line.
The unwritten laws of deer hunting:
1. Always get all the way to your tree stand before you remember that your seat pad is still in the truck.
2. Always get completely dressed with all your long-johns, coveralls, safety harnesses and coats before deciding that you really must go to the bathroom before continuing.
3. Take at least three steps into the cold creek water before remembering that these are the boots with the leak in the left one.
4. Hunt in your stand until “last light” and then remember that your flashlight is also still in the truck and it’s about a half mile through the woods (which way?).
5. Drive to your stand in the wee hours noticing very few hunters’ trucks in their normal places, get to your stand before daylight and sit there for a half hour before you realize that it’s Friday morning instead of Saturday and your really should be on your way to work.
6. When you come home with half a handkerchief, try to explain to your sweetie the “emergency” that caused you to tear it in half and that your kept the remaining half thinking that you might need it also before the day was over.
7. You’re using your “climber stand” and get all settled in at about 30 feet when you look down and see your gloves lying at the foot of the tree.
8. You trudge about a mile back through the muddy woods and fields after hunting all day and seeing nothing but squirrels and finally arrive at the truck to realize that your quiver is short one of those $25 arrows.
9. You get dressed in the dark to keep from bothering your “sleeping beauty” and grope around to find your bottle of scent killer to apply to each layer of clothing. Giving your long-johns a few extra few squeezes, you discover you’ve found your wife’s spray cologne instead of the scent killer. Cabela’s ain’t got enough “dead-down-wind” to cover that stuff!
10. Just as the biggest buck you’ve ever seen walks slowly into view, the neighborhood squirrel runs out on a limb about 10 feet in front of your stand and begins to chatter his head off.
Even considering all of the above and many more similar scenarios, deer hunting is still one of the most challenging and rewarding sports I can imagine. It’s amazing the vast numbers of good people you get a chance to meet and share stories with in the course of the hunting experiences. And for me, the peace and quiet of the “great outdoors” coupled with the quest to harvest a worthy adversary and also put food on the table for my family and friends is what hunting is all about.
It’s health, happiness and hunting.